


September 19

by gardnerhill



Series: A Study In Crimson [5]
Category: Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms, Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pirate, Crack, Gen, International Talk Like A Pirate Day, Pirates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-26
Updated: 2012-10-26
Packaged: 2017-11-17 02:30:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/546657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gardnerhill/pseuds/gardnerhill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The piratey talk aboard a pirate ship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	September 19

CAPTAIN SHEAR-LOCK: More tea, Mr. Hopkins?

FIRST MATE HOPKINS: Fill 'er, it's been a rough watch and rum ain't gonna do it. Christ on the Cross, what a time.

CAPTAIN SHEAR-LOCK: ...

FIRST MATE HOPKINS: Begging pardon, Cap'n. But it would have made a saint swear, tacking round those rocks. 

ONE-HAND JACK: Surgeon's report, Cap'n. Three cases of clap, not a surprising development after our fete last month (and young Wiggins still hasn't stopped smiling); one turned ankle that responded well to a light bloodletting and bandaging; one broken nose. I do believe you're on to something with the fruit, Shear-Lock - this is the first ship I've been on with not a single case of scurvy. 

SHEAR-LOCK: Observation, Jack! One can nearly excuse those who believe in sympathetic magic - eat the brightest and sharpest fruits, like lemons or limes, and one remains bright-eyed and fresh-mouthed aboard ship. There is very likely a common substance in those sharp fruits that is the key to the cure. I've heard the Dutch make a kind of reverse-telescope, so powerful that you can actually see the tiny animalcules that bring illness - if we ever raid a Dutch merchanter again, I'll let them keep everything else, captain's wig excepted, if they've got one aboard. 

BOS'N ANGEL: Sadly, no Dutch merchanter on our horizon, Cap'n. English vessels happy for the protection. But a one-cannon barque is poor protection against the Royal Navy now that we are hunted men ourselves. We'd do better to find smaller prey, like wolves eating mice in winter. Even salt herrings from suppliers is better than an empty hull. Empty coffers makes the Crown frown. 

SHEAR-LOCK: I've heard my surgeon's report, Jack, and now I need my quartermaster's. What of the crew? 

ONE-HAND JACK: Unhappy, sir. It's sunk in that the riches aren't going to fall into their hands the way they did before the change. Some muttering about jumping ship or going to *Bohemia* or *Scotland*. 

FIRST MATE HOPKINS: Heh, L'estrade would be happy to take a few of yours in revenge for me jumping his!

CAPTAIN SHEAR-LOCK: _Capitaine_ L'estrade is a gentleman of fortune - he will simply hand over any Bakers to the Navy for an easy reward, if the men are foolish enough to tell the truth about their last berth. He may be a Frenchman, but he'll happily do business with the English for the right pay. I won't ask for names, Jack, as you're their confessor and as good as their priest. Muttering is not mutiny. 

ONE-HAND JACK: (Pause) I keep forgetting I'm not on a Royal Navy vessel any more. This liberty takes a good deal of accustomization. My old captain would have flogged a dozen men just for an ill look. 

BOS'N ANGEL: Aye, and the Devil's given that man his just reward hasn't he?

JACK: The Admiralcy? 

ANGEL: No - the full-blown force of Captain Shear-Lock's anger, Prince One-Wing. 

ME: Excuse me, gentlemen, but I'm in the wrong cabin aren't I?

ANGEL: A woman? How did a woman get aboard without our notice? 

ME: Tea, a full-fledged business meeting in progress, discussion of the crew's physical and spiritual health and financial well-being? This is very wrong.

SHEAR-LOCK: Ah. A disappointed reader, lads. 

(Laughter.)

JACK: Welcome to my introduction to the _Baker_! This would make the dullest pirate story ever told. A tea-drinking captain who thinks his way around his enemies instead of firing cannonades or waving cutlasses, and a positively Athenian atmosphere aboard after the Roman tyranny of the Navy. 

ME: (Disappointed) And a captain who speaks like a scholar instead of talking like a...like a pirate.

SHEAR-LOCK: My apologies for not meeting your expectations of the most illiterate and violent of the Brethren, madame. Mr. Hopkins, be so good as to escort the lady off the ship; the men will know better than to give her one unfriendly eye, let alone unwanted attention. 

ME: (Sighing) Wait. I'll have one cup of tea before I go. 

SHEAR-LOCK: Excellent. Billy, bring another can.

**Author's Note:**

> September 19 is [International Talk Like a Pirate Day](http://www.talklikeapirate.com/piratehome.html) \- the inspiration for the original [Study in Crimson](http://archiveofourown.org/works/462494) storylet. So I brought the idea round full circle and wondered how TLAPD would sound aboard Captain Shear-Lock's BAKER.


End file.
